The Ruins Of Us
by MadameCissy
Summary: Olivia begins to take notice of Amanda's strange behaviour and slowly attempts to find out what the other woman is hiding from her. In doing so she endangers not only her own life but that of Amanda as well. Olivia is left to face the burden of running SVU, her feelings for Amanda and her spiralling relationship with Brian. Can she rebuild the ruins or is everything truly lost?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Olivia begins to take notice of Amanda's strange behaviour and slowly attempts to find out what the other woman is hiding from her. In doing so she endangers not only her own life but that of Amanda as well and the tensions between them begin to rise. Olivia is left to face the burden of running SVU, her feelings for Amanda and her spiralling relationship with Brian. Can she rebuild the broken pieces or is everything truly lost?

**Pairing:** Amanda/Olivia

**Rating:** T, for language and themes of a sexual nature

**Disclaimer:** I do not own SVU or any of its associated characters.

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**Chapter 1**

Olivia Benson was used to observing people. She was a detective, it was what she did. For over fifteen years she had studied all kinds of perps; paedophiles so clever she had to dig through layers of perversity to nail them. Rapists so arrogant that she had left an interrogation room many times in need of a shower. She studied people for a living, had learnt to understand what made them tick. Her years as a detective at the Special Victims Unit had shaped her, retuned her senses. She recognised evil where others didn't, even if it stared them in the face. She had learnt to see behind masks, through tears and arrogance and until this moment she had believed that she was good at what she did but right now, she wasn't so sure.

Through the blinds of her office, a place that still felt somewhat alien to her, Olivia looked into the squad room. It was a quarter to midnight on a Tuesday. She'd been here since seven in the morning and the stash of paperwork on her desk didn't seem to have shrunk no matter how many hours she put in. But it wasn't the paperwork Olivia was focused on right now. Her eyes were trained on a desk, the only one still lit, and the slender figure hunched over a cup of coffee and a pile of paperwork.

Blonde hair fell into Amanda Rollins' face. Dressed in a loose fitted white blouse and a pair of jeans, the younger woman seemed oblivious to the brown eyes watching her from across the room. She seemed so lost in her work that she had forgotten Olivia was still here and the longer Olivia watched her, the more she recognised herself.

She'd been working alongside Amanda for almost three years now. It had been tough at first. Accepting that Amanda had been brought in from Atlanta as Elliot's replacement had been difficult but Olivia had soon learnt to appreciate the younger detective's hard work. But hard work came with a price, especially in SVU, and Olivia had seen the demons that flickered behind Amanda's eyes. Finding out that she had a gambling addiction only confirmed this to her. Addictions rarely came alone. Demons always came with them.

She'd noticed that in the last few weeks Amanda had been acting different. She wasn't as focused and pulled longer days than anyone else in the squad. She had been late twice in the last week, and several times in the weeks before, but she had still delivered the same standard of work she always did. Whenever she tried to breach the subject, Amanda would shut down and experience had told Olivia not to push any further. So instead she watched from the side lines and waited until Amanda was ready to turn to her and talk. She knew there was a chance that moment would never come but she had to try.

Olivia tore her eyes away from Amanda and glanced back at the files on her desk. They'd still be there in the morning. She crossed the room, switched off the light on her desk after picking up her coat and her purse, and stepped out of the office. The soft click as the door fell into its lock was enough to rouse Amanda from her work and weary blue eyes snapped up.

"Hey," she said when she saw Olivia. She tried to smile but it barely reached her eyes. "I'd forgotten you were still here."

Olivia crossed the squad room, her dark eyes once again fixed on Amanda. "Why don't you go home?" she asked softly. The tone of her voice showed her caring side. "You've been here all day."

"I just want to finish this up and them I'm outta here."

Olivia glanced down at the paperwork. "Those DD5's can wait till the morning, Amanda." For a brief moment their eyes found each other. "Go home." There was a pause as she waited to see if the blonde would move on her own. Amanda didn't show any signs of finishing and Olivia heaved a sigh. "That's an order."

The faint echo of resentment couldn't be missed as Amanda reluctantly closed her file and pushed her chair back. "Yes, boss."

For a moment the lamp on her desk lit up the blonde's features and Olivia saw the dark rings around her eyes. Amanda looked pale, she noticed, and her hair had been bound back in a messy ponytail ever since arriving that morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she hadn't slept for two days.

"Hey, is everything ok?" Olivia asked. She watched as Amanda put on her black leather jacket.

Amanda didn't make eye contact, choosing to stare at the floor instead. She felt Olivia's piercing stare. "Yeah." She adjusted her jacket and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Just a couple of bad nights' sleep, that's all."

"I'll walk you out," Olivia said once Amanda had switched off her desk light.

They left the squad room in silence and walked to the elevator together. Olivia pressed the button for the lobby and leant against the wall. Amanda pushed her hands into her pocket and when the elevator doors opened she quickly stepped inside. When she turned around her eyes briefly met Olivia's as the older woman stepped in too.

"I'll be glad to get into bed," Olivia groaned. She rubbed her eyes. Tiredness was a common feeling in her life these days. She'd gotten used to it.

Amanda didn't answer immediately, staring at the elevator wall instead. She was aware of Olivia standing beside her but did her best to ignore her. She wasn't in the mood to deal with prying questions or looks of concern. All she wanted was to get out of the station and disappear into the night. New York City was the perfect city to vanish into the shadows.

"Is Brian home tonight?" Amanda forced the sentence out of her mouth in an attempt to make conversation. She shot Olivia a sideways glance.

"Pulling another double," Olivia answered. The hint of sadness in her voice was impossible to miss and Amanda raised an eyebrow in question. "I guess I have the bed to myself yet again."

The elevator doors slid open and the two women stepped out into the lobby. The uniformed officer behind the desk wished them goodnight and Olivia held the door for Amanda as they stepped outside into the night. The wind was cold and robbed Olivia of her breath. She swallowed hard and turned on her heel to look at Amanda. She knew the blonde would have to go the other way to catch the subway home.

"I'll see you in the morning," she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"Yeah." Amanda fumbled with her cell phone. "See ya."

Olivia watched Amanda walk away until she disappeared around the corner. She then turned around and crossed the road into the direction of the nearest subway station. The streets were quiet, much to her delight. When she reached the platform, the train had just rolled in and Olivia found herself a seat in the almost empty compartment.

The journey home took about twenty minutes and the walk from the subway station to the apartment she shared with Brian took another ten. By the time she stuck the key into the lock and heard it click, Olivia was desperate to just get into bed. Her body ached, her mind was tired and when she stepped into he apartment she dropped her keys into the bowl on the side table, kicked off her boots and dropped her purse on the breakfast bar.

She didn't bother switching on the lights and found her way to the bedroom in the dark. She unbuttoned her shirt, unzipped her pants and found her favourite Jets shirt she liked to sleep in. She left her clothes in a pile on the floor, circled the bed and pulled back the sheets. She climbed in and released her breath when her head hit the pillow.

Olivia instinctively rolled onto her side and was confronted with the other side of the bed being empty. It was a regular thing these days. Brian was hardly ever home. Tucker had him working all hours of the day and Brian accepted all of it. She couldn't blame him for wanting to get back into Tucker's good books but at the same time she resented him for working for IA. Not a single cop in the city trusted IA. Working for IA meant becoming a pariah.

She lay awake for a while, playing the events from the day before her eyes. They'd caught an open and shut sexual assault in Central Park and Rollins and Fin had nailed the perp in just under an hour. The rest of the day had been quiet and she'd instructed them to complete their paperwork. Nick and Fin left at the first available opportunity but Amanda had stuck around. Olivia's teeth worried her bottom lip when the thoughts of the blonde detective filled her head and she let out a frustrated groan before kicking the sheets away. She rolled onto her stomach and desperately wished to fall asleep.

~()~

When Olivia walked into the squad room the next morning, it was a little after seven. She didn't feel as refreshed as she would have liked but she had some decent sleep. The empty bed was something she'd gotten used to and Brian had texted her just as she got on the subway to work saying he was on his way home. They were once again like ships in the night.

Olivia pushed against the double doors leading to the SVU squad room. The lights were on but most of the desks were still empty. Her eyes instinctively drifted across the room and came to a rest on one particular desk. It had become a morning habit. The desk was still empty but she turned around when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her and watched as Amanda walked in.

Dressed in a pair of simple black slacks and a red sweater she looked both casual and smart. Her hair fell loosely down her shoulders but Olivia's attention was drawn to the sunglasses that obscured a large part of Amanda's face. She clutched a Starbucks cup and from the way she clung to the styrofoam, Olivia guessed the coffee was her lifeline this morning.

"Amanda, it's November and seven in the morning. It's dark outside. Why are you wearing sunglasses?"

Amanda removed the glasses the moment the words left Olivia's mouth and threw them on her desk. The sound of the plastic hitting the surface echoed through the quiet squad room. She shrugged herself out of her jacket and tossed it onto the back of her chair.

"Amanda?" Olivia called the other woman's name when she didn't get a response and Amanda slowly turned around.

"Long night," she groaned.

Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly as she studied the blonde. Amanda looked tired. The rings around her eyes were even darker than the night before and her eyes were still blood shot. She took a step in the Georgian detective's direction but was careful not to invade her personal space.

"Did you even sleep?"

Amanda didn't look at her. "A couple hours."

"Amanda..."

"Don't, ok?" Amanda looked up and blazing blue eyes met brown. This sudden anger took Olivia by surprise. "I can handle it."

Olivia hesitated. "Why don't you go grab a couple of hours in the cribs? Fin can work with Amaro this morning."

"I'm fine!" Amanda insisted and grabbed the files she had left the previous night. "I just want to move on, ok?"

Olivia didn't say anything else and turned away from the blonde's desk. She walked into her office, leaving the door open in her wake. Just like any other morning she let her eyes drift around the small space and wondered to herself what she could do with it. Cragen had asked her to "do something with the place" but she didn't know what. She didn't like change, even if she knew deep down that change was good. There had been too many changes already and she wasn't ready for any more.

She'd barely hung her coat on the back of the door or the phone on her desk rang. She leant over, answered it and with the horn in her hand turned back around to look into the squad room. Amanda once again sat hunched over her desk and Olivia had to mentally chastise herself to focus on the message the caller was giving her instead of the younger detective.

When she hung up she took her coat, walked back into the squad room and up to Amanda's desk.

"Grab your coat."

"Where're we goin'?" Amanda asked in surprise when she looked up and saw the brunette standing next to her.

"Bellevue. One of the nurses has reported a suspected case of child abuse. Six year old girl."

Amanda stood up and took her jacket from the back of her chair. She turned back to Olivia and arched an eyebrow as she realised that the older woman was coming with her. "I can manage this, you know."

Olivia smiled. The phone call was an opportunity to get out of the occasionally claustrophobic feeling office. Taking over from Cragen meant she didn't get to go out as much into the field like she had done and she missed the feeling. "I know," she answered whilst tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "But I don't feel like staying in."

Amanda didn't answer and the two detectives left the squad room and walked towards the elevator. Olivia was momentarily taken back to the previous night when they had left together and her mind drifted off to the thoughts that had crossed her mind in the seconds before she fell asleep. A faint smile spread across her lips as the elevators doors opened and they stepped in. Just as the doors began to close, Amanda's phone bleeped and she fished it out of her pocket.

Olivia noticed the frown appearing on the blonde's forehead as she checked her phone. "Everything allright?"

"Yeah," Amanda hastily applied as she slipped her phone back in her pocket and bright blue eyes looked up. She flashed a nervous smile and seemed a little taken aback by the question. "Everything's fine."

"You sure?" Olivia asked, not having missed how Amanda had attempted to shield her phone from her. She cocked her head. She knew she was about to cross a line but she couldn't stop herself. "You seem a little rattled."

"I'm fine, Liv," Amanda insisted and shuddered as she felt her phone vibrate again in her pocket. "It's just a friend."

The two women stepped out into the lobby and were greeted by a familiar voice. Fin walked into the building carrying a box of donuts and a coffee and Amanda quickly caught up with her partner, pulled the lid of the box and picked out her favourite donut. Her desire to give up on eating them had been squashed in her first weeks working at SVU.

"Where're you going?" Fin wanted to know.

"Bellevue," Olivia answered. "Possible sexual abuse case."

Fin gave his new boss the once over. "Want me to cover?"

"Thanks but I think I'd just like to get out from between these walls," Olivia answered and her eyes snapped from Fin to Amanda, who was already at the door, the half-eaten donut in her hand. She looked back at the male detective and smiled. "I'll call you."

She followed Amanda out of the building and into the crisp morning air. Before she had a chance to blink the blonde threw the car keys at her and Olivia resigned to the fact she would be the one braving the morning rush hour across town. She climbed into the driver's seat of the unmarked black sedan and waited until Amanda had buckled up before reversing out of the parking space.

"What do we know?" Amanda asked as Olivia headed into the direction of Bellevue.

Olivia didn't take her eyes of the road. "Six year old girl. Nurse reported unexplained bruising on her arms and legs and the girl didn't want her to check behind her underwear. The girl's mother appears agitated and cannot provide an explanation for the bruises."

Amanda rested her head against the window. She had a pounding headache and the thought of dealing with the possible sexual abuse of a small child made her stomach turn. Her eyes fluttered shut. She was tired. Sleep wasn't something that was part of her life at the moment and the balance between work and her personal life was difficult to keep. She couldn't remember the last time she had actually slept in her own bed instead of crashing on the couch for a couple of hours.

Olivia shot Amanda a sideways glance and noticed the way the blonde's features relaxed a little now that her head rested against the glass. She was worried about her. She'd seen her behaviour change in recent weeks. Amanda had become more withdrawn, almost secretive. She kept her phone out of sight, often disappeared to make calls and often arrived late for work in the morning. She knew Amanda was hiding something but she also knew better than to ask her about it. In that way, Amanda was just like herself.

"Hey," she said quietly and Amanda's eyes lazily opened. Olivia's heart did an unexpected flip as she watched the shade of blue appear. It was something she could get used to, something she wanted to see more often those deep, intense eyes slowly opening. She felt her cheeks redden and quickly looked back at the slow moving traffic in front.

"You sure you're allright?"

"Yeah." Amanda looked away. "I'm good."

And in that moment Olivia knew she lied.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The one thing that Amanda had learnt in her time working for SVU was that nothing was ever what it seemed when it came to the cases they investigated. There had been too many times where they had believed they had finally fitted the pieces of the complicated puzzle together only to find that most of the picture was still missing. People were natural liars, she found and she herself was no different. Amanda had become an expert at lying to herself and those around her.

She shot Olivia a sideways glance. They were sitting in the Bellevue waiting room after the nurse had informed them their possible victim was too upset to talk. They'd taken a shot at the mother but the woman had been so on edge, bordering on verbally aggressive, that Olivia had decided to take a step back. But as Amanda watched the older detective she could tell that the wheels in her head were spinning. Olivia was trying to fit those impossible pieces together.

"What're you thinkin'?" Amanda asked.

The question roused Olivia from her thoughts and for a moment her eyes betrayed her weariness but then she effortlessly slipped back into the role of Sargent.

"I don't know," she mused. "Something the mother said."

"The boyfriend?" Amanda questioned and from the way Olivia arched an eyebrow she could tell they had been thinking along the same lines.

"She says nobody else watches her daughter other than him." Olivia pursed her lips and pressed her fingertips together. "It's a possibility."

"Then why doesn't she just say so?" Amanda groaned in frustration. A hint of anger flickered in her blue eyes. "If my boyfriend was touchin' my kid, I'd cut his balls off with a rusty steak knife."

The sentence somehow alarmed Olivia but not for the reasons she had expected it would. Brown eyes searched the younger detective's face. "You got a boyfriend?"

Amanda made a casual hand gesture and a smirk danced across her lips as she shrugged. "Hypothetical boyfriend."

Olivia averted her gaze and looked back down into her lap. Her hands were neatly folded, her bails painted in a shade of brown so dark it could easily be mistaken for black. They were a perfect match to her dark pants and blazer and a sharp contrast against the cream tones of her shirt. She chewed the inside of her cheek, unsure about how to keep the conversation going. There seemed to be more and more silences between her and Amanda recently.

Amanda took her phone out of her pocket as it vibrated and checked the message she had received. Her heart sank and internally she swore at herself. Her body protested against being awake. Her mind wasn't as sharp as she liked it to be but so far it hadn't quite let her down yet. She knew she would break sooner or later but she did what she could to keep going, to stay as strong as she could. But the thought of the night drawing in, even though it was only morning, already filled her with dread.

"It's Fin's birthday tomorrow," Olivia suddenly remembered. He'd mentioned it two days earlier and it had slipped her mind until now. "Did he say anything to you about grabbing a drink tonight?"

Amanda hadn't forgotten. She'd simply hoped no one would mention it because if they did it meant she'd have to lie. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Yeah, about that," she said. "I don't think I can make it."

"Really?" Olivia asked and cocked an eyebrow. A hint of amusement filled her voice but at the same time she felt the sudden sharp pang of sadness. "Somewhere you gotta be, Rollins?"

"Double booked myself," Amanda lied and fumbled with her phone.

Olivia didn't quite back off even though she sensed the other woman's unease. "Date?"

Amanda snorted. "I wouldn't exactly call it a date." She briefly peered at Olivia through her eyelashes. "An old friend from Atlanta's in town. You know, sight seein' in New York and all that. She asked me to meet her after work tonight. She leaves tomorrow."

"Bring her along," Olivia suggested and she was surprised at her own suggestion. "I'm sure Fin won't mind."

"She doesn't know any of ya'll," Amanda quickly answered. "I'll talk to Fin when we get back to the precinct."

Olivia wanted to say something else but was distracted when the nurse she'd spoken to earlier walked into the waiting area. She stood up and Amanda followed and when the nurse reached them Olivia could tell just from her expression that something was wrong.

"What is it?" She wanted to know. "What happened?"

"The mother called the boyfriend," the nurse answered. "Listen, I know it's not my place to pass judgment, that's your job, but that little girl freaked out when she was on the phone to him." Her features hardened. "I know I can't prove anything but I don't want that guy anywhere near her until we've completed the examination. Is there anything you can do?"

Olivia turned to Amanda. "Call Fin and Amaro. Have them meet us here. If that boyfriend shows up I want them to talk to him."

Amanda nodded and dialled her partner's name. She turned away from Olivia and walked to the other side of the waiting room. Fin answered him and she gave him the message. He promised he and Nick would be there in twenty minutes. She then scrolled through her contacts until she found the number she was looking for and pressed 'call'.

"Hey, it's me," she said when a familiar voice answered at the other side. She glanced over her shoulder. Olivia had sat back down and was watching her. For a moment their eyes met and she forced herself to smile in an attempt to make her phone call appear more casual. "About tonight…" She paused, dropping her voice to the softest whisper she could manage. "Is it still on? OK, I'll meet you at the boardwalk. Same time, same place."

Amanda hung up, pushed her phone back into her pocket and walked across the waiting room before sitting down next to Olivia. Their arms brushed against each other as she moved and she noticed Olivia moved a little further away from her in her seat. "Fin and Amaro are on their way." She glanced at the older woman. "What do we do now?"

"The only thing we can do," Olivia answered, sadness echoing in her voice. Her eyes were fixed at the door through which the nurse had disappeared earlier, the door separating them from their victim. "We wait."

~()~

The day had been long. Most of it had been spent at the hospital. Olivia and Amanda had finally gotten the chance to talk to their possible victim and Nick and Fin separated the mother from the boyfriend before arresting the latter on suspicion of abuse. The mother then threw a scene in the corridor where she needed to be restrained by Nick and two male nurses before being sent home with a warning. The little girl drew a graphic picture of her mother's boyfriend molesting her while he bathed her and pointed out on a doll where he had touched her.

Amanda reluctantly handed the girl over to Child Protective Services before joining Olivia in the car to drive back to the precinct. She felt dirty and stained and in desperate need of a shower. Of all the cases she dealt with, the ones that involved children got to her the most. She didn't speak for most of the journey across town, choosing instead to listen to the radio. From the corner of her eye she noticed Olivia's fingers drumming along to the beat against the wheel and it brought a smile to her face.

Once they returned to the squad room and finished their paperwork, it came to the point where the detectives were ready to head out for the night. Fin had suggested a bar two blocks from the precinct which had become one of their favourite hang outs in recent weeks and he and Nick were already halfway out of the door by the time the clock struck five, both clearly eager and excited to get out.

Olivia hovered in her office doorway. She'd put on her coat and adjusted the collar whilst letting her fingers run through her hair but her eyes were now fixed on Amanda. She knew the blonde had told Fin earlier she wouldn't be able to make it but she also showed no signs of leaving. Her teeth worried her bottom lip as she stepped out of her office and crossed the squad room to Amanda's desk. She perched herself at the end and the blonde looked up, a questioning look in her eyes.

"What time are you meeting your friend?" Olivia asked, her chocolate eyes searching for and eventually finding Amanda's blue. "You sure you don't wanna come?"

"I'd love to," Amanda replied and smiled. "But I can't."

At that same moment her phone vibrated and a message appeared on her screen. Olivia's gaze dropped down to the screen and saw the name Alex. Amanda had clearly changed the settings of her iPhone so that the first few lines of incoming messages didn't show in the lock screen. When her eyes drifted back up Olivia noticed the suddenly distant look in Amanda's eyes as she grabbed the phone.

Olivia leaned in. "Hey, Amanda, if there's something you wanna talk about…"

"There isn't anythin'," Amanda replied sharply.

Olivia was taken aback by the hidden anger in those words. Amanda wasn't the confrontational type and anger wasn't her kind of thing but she could tell from Amanda's tone of voice that she was challenging her. Challenging her to say something, to dare her to cross the line after which there was no going back. Instead of responding to the anger Olivia raised both her hands, slipped off the desk and started for the door. She turned around before leaving and found Amanda putting on her jacket.

"You know where to find me if you change your mind."

This was her way of telling Amanda that she knew she was hiding something and that she was right here waiting for her when she felt ready or willing to talk about it.

Amanda ran her hands over her face once Olivia had disappeared from sight and angrily kicked the trash can next to her desk. It bounced across the squad room before ending up in the coffee corner. A couple of detectives working late looked up in surprise at the loud noise but Amanda ignored their piercing stares as she strode out of the squad room and impatiently pressed the button for the elevator.

Walking out of the precinct felt like a breath of fresh air and she quickly walked down the road and turned a corner. She crossed the next street and walked for half a block before hailing a cab. The driver pulled up alongside the kerb and Amanda opened the back door. He readjusted his mirror as she got in and with a strong French accent asked, "Where to?"

She leant back and let out a desperate sigh. "Atlantic City."

The driver turned around in his seat, clearly surprised by the request. "You know that's a 2 hour drive, don't you?"

"Do I look like I care?" Amanda groaned. "Just get me there."

The driver just shrugged and moved the cab back into the steady flow of traffic. Amanda closed her eyes and rested her head against the window. She already had a headache and somewhere deep inside of her there was a resentment bubbling up. She listened to the radio playing in the front of the cab and wished to herself that for at least half the journey she could catch up on some much needed sleep.

Her mind was a mess. The images from the day continued to play before her eyes and she couldn't shut them down. In the back of her mind she heard Olivia's voice asking her if everything was okay. She knew the older woman suspected something but Amanda did her best not to let Olivia know what was really going on. She couldn't tell her. Not without endangering everything and everyone.

Somehow she managed to organise her thoughts and slowly the images disappeared until only blackness remained.

Amanda woke up with a jolt when the cab came to an unexpected stop and her eyes snapped open. She peered out of the window and relaxed when she noticed her surroundings were familiar. The soft humming of the car engine filled her ears and she looked at the driver who had turned around in his seat, a smile on his face. The flashing lights outside the car indicated she was in the right place. Atlantic City was known as the Gambling Capital of the East Coast and that nickname was exactly the reason she was here. It had more

She paid the driver, who didn't even raise an eyebrow at her paying the extortionate fair in cash, before opening the door and stepping out of the car. She inhaled the fresh sea air and relaxed for a moment, allowing the salty wind to tug at her hair. She pushed her hands into her pocket before disappearing into the crowd of people making their way up and down the boardwalk and headed into the direction of the various casinos. She walked briskly, eager to reach her destination sooner rather than later.

A building came into view just after a few minutes walking and the bright letters spelled the name Bally's. It was one of the many casinos in Atlantic City and it had become a spot she had frequented often in recent weeks. Amanda's eyes drifted around the area, lingering for a moment on the front door where a tall and muscled bouncer made sure that no unscrupulous people entered the casino. Amanda turned away from the front door and approached the side of the building. The shadows around the building swallowed her up as she disappeared into the narrow alley between the casino and a restaurant next door.

The sound of her footsteps sounded hollow and bounced off the walls of the quiet alley. It reeked of old urine, food and cigarettes. She didn't jump when she felt a hand on her shoulder but spun around, right into the arms of the person waiting for her in the dark and a smile spread across her face.

"You're late," her companion said as they let their fingers ghost across her cheek and Amanda sighed. "I've been waiting for you."

"I'm sorry," she answered and cocked her head, a devious glint appearing in her eyes as she fingered the other person's belt buckle. "But I'm here now. What can I do for you?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Olivia's eyes were fixed on Amanda's desk. It was empty. It had been empty when she walked into the squad room an hour ago and it was still empty now. She fought against the insecurity and the worry that welled up inside her chest. Amanda was a grown woman and she probably had a good reason for being late.

The brunette detective's eyes briefly focused on her watch. It was almost nine in the morning. Nick and Amaro were out on a case, Amaro having joined Fin because Amanda wasn't here. She didn't expect them back for at least another couple of hours. The crime scene was in Staten Island and crossing the bridge at this time in the morning would take forever.

Her eyes snapped back up when she saw the doors to the squad room open. Amanda walked in, clad in a pair of dark blue jeans and a casual yet smart cream sweater. Her blonde hair was bound back in a bun and she clutched a cup of coffee. Even from where she stood Olivia could see the dark rings around the younger woman's eyes and she didn't miss the way Amanda looked at her when their gazes locked.

"You got a minute?" Olivia asked before Amanda had chance to put her coffee down on her desk or remove her jacket. She turned around and walked into her office. The sound of Amanda's footsteps behind her told her that the younger detective had followed her in.

"Close the door."

The soft click severed the silence between them and Olivia heaved a sigh before slowly turning around. Her coffee coloured eyes found Amanda's. "You're late."

"I text Amaro to say I was runnin' late," Amanda defended herself. "He didn't tell you?"

"You should have text me."

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "You want me to text you at five in the mornin'?"

Olivia mentally told herself to take a step and stay calm. She sat down on the edge of her desk and folded her arms across her chest. "Where were you at five in the morning?"

"You questionin' me?" Amanda asked, her eyes narrowing and Olivia immediately realised she had crossed a line. The anger flickered behind Amanda's eyes and the soft features of her face hardened into a mask of rejection. "My friend got sick. I took her to the hospital. I didn't get home till Lord knows what time."

"Is she ok?"

The question was a lame attempt to fix what had been broken. Olivia knew it wouldn't be that easy but she had to try. Facing the anger etched across Amanda's face wasn't what she had wanted today.

"She'll be fine but she'll miss her flight back to Georgia." Amanda stared down at the floor, balancing on her heels. She pushed her hands into her pockets before peering up at Olivia through her eyelashes. "I'm sorry I'm late but I did text Nick. I probably should have text you but I didn't think you'd appreciate the wakeup call."

Olivia let her eyes trail over Amanda's frame. The slender blonde looked tired. Her shoulders had dropped and it seemed as if the weight of the world was resting on them. The jeans clung to all the right curves of her body but the sweater seemed a little loose and for the first time Olivia noticed that Amanda appeared to have lost weight.

Her breath hitched a little as she spoke. "Everything ok with you?"

"Me?" Amanda looked weary. "Yeah, everything's fine."

"You just seem, I don't know, tired."

"I did spent most of last night in the ER," Amanda reminded her and a smile broke through on her face. The sudden change brought an unexpected warmth to depths of Olivia's stomach. "Everything's fine, Liv."

"Ok." Olivia smiled too and started for the door to let Amanda out. "Why don't you catch up on some of your paperwork and the next call we get is ours, ok? Nick and Amaro are probably still stuck on the bridge."

Amanda turned in the doorway, only a few inches away from Olivia. She didn't speak but her steel blue eyes connected with Olivia's brown. A gaze without words. It was a look that didn't need spoken language. Her hand hovered over Olivia's resting on the doorknob, fingers barely touching. A fleeting moment and then she averted her gaze, bowed her head and crossed the squad room to her desk. Olivia watched her walk away but Amanda didn't look back up.

Olivia let out a heavy sigh and circled her own desk before sitting down. There were piles of paperwork to be signed, mostly log books and case files, and she was expected to attend a meeting at One PP at three o'clock that afternoon. She didn't mind the workload but what she struggled with was finding the balance between being their boss, their friend and a Sargent still eager to solve every case that came across her desk.

On top of that there was Amanda.

It had happened slowly. She hadn't even noticed at first; how her gazes lingered on the blonde a little longer than normal, how she followed her with her eyes as she walked across the room. But then something changed. She invited her to a dinner party at her new apartment, the one she shared with Brian. She had turned down the first invite, choosing to go to a meeting instead. But she came to the second and that night Olivia realised that she didn't want her to leave and her world came tumbling down.

Amanda had been the last to leave. She somehow stayed behind after Olivia said goodnight to Fin, Cragen and Eileen and eventually Nick. But when she turned around she found Amanda inspecting her collection of books and Olivia was struck by just how much she wanted her to stay. She wanted to talk, about anything. Arts, movies, sports… anything to just make her stay a little bit longer. But Amanda had started for the door just as Olivia had been about to ask her if she wanted another glass of wine.

They said goodbye in the open door way and she had kissed Amanda on her cheek. It wasn't supposed to mean anything; just a sign of kindness and her being grateful that she decided to come to this party. Amanda had just smiled and had whispered her goodnights before leaving and Olivia had closed the door, leaning against it with her back as down the corridor the sound of Amanda's footsteps died out.

Olivia was roused from her memories by the sound of the phone on her desk ringing. She reached for it, answered and managed to find a pen underneath a few scraps of paper to write down the message that came through. When she put the phone down she ran her fingers through her hair. The back of her throat felt like sandpaper and her eyes slowly drifted up to the window overlooking the squad room.

Slowly Olivia stood up and walked to the door.

"Rollins?"

The blonde looked up at the mention of her name. It seemed that her morning coffee had erased some of the tiredness in her face. Questioning eyes found Olivia's. "Sarg?"

"Paramedics have requested the help of an SVU detective," Olivia answered. "Twenty-two year old female, found in the middle of the road half an hour ago. She appears to be drunk but there are signs she was assaulted. She's refusing to let them touch her."

Amanda grabbed her jacket of the back of her chair. "You coming with?"

"I'm swamped with work," Olivia answered. "You ok to handle to this one on your own?"

"Yeah." Amanda appeared confident. "Where did they take her?"

"Lenox Hill."

"I'll call you," Amanda promised as she walked out of the squad room and Olivia watched her leave.

She then walked back into her office, closed the door and shut the blinds. This was the only way to lock out the world around her. She needed the peace and the quiet to think. All she wanted was to be alone.

~()~

It was late and she checked her watch for what felt like the twentieth time in the last hour. The minutes seemed to crawl by. It was just after ten and still she hadn't gone home. The squad room was almost empty other than Amanda's desk. It was the reason Olivia was still here. She would stay until Amanda left.

The sound of a chair scraping across the lino flooring made Olivia look up. She was tired and her eyes were burning with sleep. She'd face another night in bed alone with Brian working yet another IAB undercover operation. She found she didn't care anymore. Not hearing his footsteps had become a welcome treat. She enjoyed the quiet space of home.

Across the squad room Amanda stood up and put on her jacket. She turned slightly to look at Olivia and their gazes briefly locked. Olivia broke the eye contact by standing up herself, shoving the remainder of paperwork in a drawer and grabbing her coat. By the time she walked out of her office, Amanda had switched off the light on her desk and the squad room was almost completely dark.

"You mind if I walk you out?" Olivia asked when she reached the blonde and Amanda shook her head.

She shot Olivia a sideways glance, curiosity flickering in her eyes. "Don't mind at all."

They walked out of the squad room together and Olivia pressed the button for the elevator. She became aware of Amanda's close proximity when she felt the other woman's hand accidently brush against her own. A shudder travelled down Olivia's spine.

The elevator doors opened and the two detectives stepped in. As the doors slid shut Olivia did her best not to look at Amanda too obviously but when she glanced over she found the blonde leaning against the wall, her eyes fixed on Olivia. She recognised that look and before she had a chance to prepare herself, Amanda had fired her first shot.

"Why didn't you come with this morning?"

Olivia struggled not to stumble over her words. "I wish I could have." She rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy in that office. I don't know how Cragen did it."

"You regret taking the job?" Amanda wanted to know.

"I wouldn't say I regret it," Olivia answered. "But it's a hard transition to make."

The hint of a smile danced across Amanda's face. "Too much paperwork."

"Way too much." Olivia smiled too. "What's with pulling all the double shifts?" Her dark eyes narrowed a little. "You sure everything's ok?"

"If you mean 'do I pull all these shifts because I've got bookies to pay' then no, that's not why I'm doing this." Amanda could read between the lines. She knew what Olivia was trying to say. She couldn't blame the older woman for thinking that was why she worked so late. "I guess I just… you know… struggle to walk away sometimes."

"Do you ever relax?" Olivia carefully asked.

"I go for a run in Central Park whenever I get the chance. Walk Frannie." Amanda chewed her bottom lip. "Sometimes I go see a movie."

"But nothing else?" Olivia asked. The lump in her throat became bigger. "There are some great things on at the Metropolitan Museum of Art right now." She glanced at Amanda. "I keep asking Brian to go but he absolutely hates museums." She did her best to sound casual. "You ever been?"

"I don't think I've been to any of the museums since moving to New York," Amanda admitted, a slight blush of embarrassment creeping onto her cheeks.

"I'd love to show you around one of the days," Olivia said. She tried to keep her voice neutral. "You free the weekend?"

Amanda sheepishly smiled. "I'm sure I can find a few hours on Saturday."

"Cool." The doors slid open and Olivia stepped out first. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"First thing," Amanda answered as she followed Olivia into the lobby and to the building's main entrance. She paused, the look in her eyes suddenly becoming softer and she put her hand on Olivia's forearm. "Good night."

Olivia watched as Amanda crossed the road. The wind whipped around her head, pulling at her hair, and she was about to turn around and walk into the direction of the subway when something told her to look back over her shoulder. Just as she turned around she noticed Amanda walk in the opposite direction of where she was supposed to be headed. She knew the blonde took the F train home but she didn't seem to be going there.

Suddenly the pieces began to fall into place and a horrible fear settled in Olivia's chest. The late nights, the mornings where Amanda wore sunglasses and looked tired and drained, the sneering comments whenever someone inquired if she was doing allright, and the phone calls she made whenever she thought nobody was looking. She had noticed the change some time ago but hadn't been prepared to admit to herself what it meant.

For a moment she hesitated but then Olivia followed in the blonde's tracks and crossed the road too. She kept her eyes peeled on the slender frame and only froze when she saw Amanda hail a cab. The yellow taxi pulled up along the kerb and Amanda climbed into the backseat. Just as she slammed the door a second cab drove by and Olivia yanked her badge out of her pocket and flashed it to the driver. He slammed his brakes and she opened the back door.

"Where to?" he asked and Olivia turned her head to see the cab Amanda had just gotten into drive off towards Chelsea.

"Wherever he's going," she answered, urgency lacing her voice. "Whatever you do, _don't_ lose him."

The cabby drove her across the city, following the cab in front. It seemed that the driver who had picked up Amanda knew the streets like the back of his hand as he took several short cuts that surprised Olivia before pulling up alongside a busy street in the middle of Chelsea. She instructed her own driver to park a further down the road, paid him and got out. When she looked up and down the street she couldn't see Amanda anymore. She was gone.

"Shit," Olivia breathed to herself as she looked around.

Buildings lined either side of the street. Bright lights flickered behind windows and what looked like multi-coloured Christmas lights hung in the trees. The buildings consisted of a couple of dance clubs, several bars, a small bodega and old apartment block. The bars were busy and music blasted from every single one. A line of people waited to get in to a club called Stairway to Heaven. If she wanted to find Amanda, it wasn't going to be easy.

Suddenly Olivia's heart sank. She laid eyes on the building next door to Stairway to Heaven. A black and white sign spelled out the name House Of Cards. Pictures of playing cards had been printed around the wording. In bold capital letters it said Casino underneath.

She slowly walked up to the building. A tall, broad shouldered bouncer stood by the door. His eyes were cold and distant but she didn't blink. He groaned something about needing an invite to enter because it was a closed event but she ignored him. Instead she flashed her badge and he meekly stepped aside, dropping his gaze down to the floor.

It was dark, with only minimal lighting. The light came from lamps hanging over the tables but it seemed that whoever controlled them had dimmed them to the lowest possible setting. Music played in softly in the background. Olivia's eyes needed several moments to adapt to her new surroundings. The smell of alcohol prickled her nose and she fought against the desire to just shout she was NYPD.

She let her eyes drift around the large space and they eventually came to a rest on the blackjack table in the back of the room. A small group of people sat around the table but one stood out. Blonde hair formed a sharp contrast against the dark shadows of the room and the sound of Amanda's laughter cut through Olivia's heart life a knife.

Olivia angrily crossed the room and placed her hand on the blonde woman's shoulder. Amanda's head whipped around and the smile on her face froze. Fear filled her eyes. She dropped the chips she'd held in her hand and the young man dealing the cards interrupted the game.

"Olivia."

"We need to talk," Olivia said through gritted teeth. "Now."

"No," Amanda said sharply and shrugged Olivia's hand off her shoulder. "I'll call you in the morning."

"Amanda," Olivia insisted. "We're going."

Amanda's blue eyes found Olivia's. "Liv, you don't know what you're doin'."

"Well that makes two of us then," Olivia snapped. She grabbed Amanda's forearm and pulled the blonde out of her seat. "Let's go."

"Liv!" Amanda protested as she struggled to stay on her feet. Several of the other players around the table began to disperse and a hint of fear filled the blonde woman's eyes. "Liv, please, let me explain."

"I'll listen," Olivia said sharply and pointed at the door. "Outside."

Amanda reluctantly followed Olivia out of the casino and into the cold evening air. Once outside Olivia let go of Amanda's arm with such force that the blonde staggered backwards and landed against the wall. Blazing brown eyes found Amanda's blue.

"You lied to me!" Olivia shouted. She didn't know why she was so angry. "You said you didn't gamble anymore!"

"Liv, this is not what you're thinkin'," Amanda pleaded and she took a step in the older woman's direction. "Please, you've gotta believe me."

"Not what it seems? What do you expect me to think, Amanda? I found you in a casino!"

"I can explain," Amanda whispered and she shot a quick glance over her shoulder. "But not right now."

Olivia's heart hammered in her chest. The adrenaline rushed through her veins and she stared at the younger woman. Amanda looked crestfallen. Something had broken, Olivia could tell. She wanted to yell at Amanda. She didn't want to believe this was real, that they were really here. She had tried to walk away but she couldn't ignore this any longer.

"Explain?" she snorted. "What is there to explain?"

Amanda's hand found Olivia's and she took it. Her voice dropped down to a quiet whisper as she began to close the distance between them. "More than you think."

"What do you mean? Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Liv…"

"Is there?!"

"I can't, Liv! I can't tell you!"

Before Olivia could ask any more, Amanda's lips had found hers.

She tasted of a mixture of coffee and wine but somehow it was still sweet. It was intoxicating. Olivia's head was spinning as her fingers found their way into Amanda's hair and she pulled her deeper into the kiss. She sighed in relief when she felt Amanda's arms snake around her waist.

It ended as unexpectedly as it had started. Amanda pulled back and let go of Olivia's hand. Without speaking she turned around and disappeared back inside the casino, leaving Olivia standing on the sidewalk, lost and alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: **Hey guys, for those of you who don't know yet... I started another Rolivia story alongside this one. It's called "Infected." Go check it out!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

She wandered the streets for hours, without really realising where she was going. Her feet carried her to places she didn't recognise or register. Her mind was blank and her heart heavy. The tears had dried minutes after leaving the sidewalk but the emotions and the confusion had only just kicked in. She walked without paying attention to her thoughts or to common sense. She walked without looking back or ahead and it wasn't until she reached the waterside in Central Park that she realised just how far she'd gone.

Olivia stared out over the water. The yellow lights reflected in the black surface and she could hear the sound of the fountain in the distance. The sound slowly brought her back to her senses and she looked around, becoming aware of where she was. It also immediately took her back to where she had gone from and what had happened and absentmindedly two fingers slipped up to her lips and touched them. The taste of Amanda's coffee flavoured kiss had long since worn off.

Amanda had kissed her. After she found her holed up in some dingy casino playing cards. She'd yelled at her, saying that it wasn't what she thought it was. What did she think it was?

Amanda was gambling again. There was no denying it.

Olivia covered her face with her hands. For weeks all the signs had been there and she'd chosen to stick her head in the sand and ignore them. It hadn't been a case of not wanting to see them; it had been a case of not wanting to believe that Amanda had fallen down that deep, dark hole again. Admitting it to herself meant admitting she cared too much and that was something she hadn't been prepared to do and now it was too late.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and dug it out. A message flashed across her screen and a jolt of pain shot through her chest when she noticed it was from Amanda. Her fingers trembled as she opened it up.

_We need to talk. Tomorrow. My place. _

It didn't read like Amanda was desperate to see her and explain herself. It felt short, edgy; as if the blonde was trying to push her away whilst at the same time trying to convince her everything was just fine.

Olivia didn't answer the message and switched the phone off. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat, took one last deep breath and slowly turned around, leaving the stunning evening view of Central Park behind her. She found her way to the nearest subway station, descended down the stairs and waited on the platform for the next train that would take her home. She felt empty and hollow, as if something had just been ripped out of her chest.

She rode the train home and walked the last couple of blocks to her building with her head bent low and without looking up. She stuck the key in the lock, opened the door and stepped into the comfortably warm apartment before locking the door behind her. She dropped her keys on the side table and slowly allowed her breath to escape. Her cop senses told her Brian was home before he had even made a noise.

"Hey, babe," he said as she walked into the living room.

"Hey." She sounded tired.

He didn't miss the defeated look on her face. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," she lied. She wasn't in the mood for talking. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to see anyone. All she wanted was to be alone.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I said everything's fine!" she snapped and her dark, blazing eyes pierced into his. "Just… don't talk to me, ok?"

Brian seemed taken aback by her outburst and watched as she walked towards the kitchen. She couldn't bring herself to look at him or apologise. She wanted the silence of her own thoughts, her own company, to deal with what had happened. Not just finding Amanda in that gambling hellhole but what had happened outside of it. Their lips meeting in a kiss of blurred emotions. She couldn't shake the feeling. She couldn't forget the things that had stirred deep inside of her, the things she had tried so hard to keep locked away. She couldn't deny that everything around her was slowly falling apart.

"Liv?" His voice was soft and she could tell he was walking on egg shells.

This was what their lives had become. They had lost the ability to talk. Some days she wondered if they ever even had it. Most nights she came home and he wasn't here. He spent most of his time working and when he was home he was either asleep or watching sports in an attempt to unwind. She'd tolerated his frustrations about Tucker and IA but the pressure was mounting and the anger was sizzling just beneath her skin. They were ships in the night and most days she found she didn't even care anymore.

"Did something happen today?" Brian asked. He leant against the breakfast bar, careful not to invade her personal space. Ever since Lewis she wasn't good with people approaching her unexpectedly. "Liv?"

"No," she said, fighting back the bitterness. She'd poured herself a glass of wine and left the now empty bottle standing on the side. The glass was half full. She still couldn't bring herself to turn around. Looking at him meant acknowledging she would have to talk. She didn't want to talk. "Listen, Brian, I don't want to talk about it, allright?"

"Is it Lewis? Did Barba say anything about his appeal?"

"I said, I didn't want to talk about it!"

"Come on, Liv, you gotta talk about it. You can't let that bastard get to you like this."

The wine glass shattered against the wall and the burgundy liquid dripped across the cream coloured paint. The shards landed on the wooden floor, the echo if it breaking lingering in the suddenly deadly quiet apartment. The raw, almost primal, outcry of anger that had left her throat died down but her hands didn't stop shaking. Her heart pounded in her head and she felt the tears sting behind her eyes.

"I…." Her voice broke as she turned around, careful not to make eye contact. "I just… I just want to be alone. I need ... I need to sleep."

He watched her. She could feel the concern. "Okay," he said softly. "Go get some sleep. I'll clean up." When she didn't move he took a step in her direction. "Liv, I said I'll clean up. Go get some sleep. Want me to bring you some tea?"

She shook her head and walked out of the kitchen. She circled the broken glass and the wine spilled across the floor and headed to the bedroom. She quietly closed the door behind her, stood frozen for a few moments and then climbed into bed, never bothering to remove her clothes. A quiet sob escaped her as she sank down into the mattress and rolled onto her side. The tears came and lashed violently against her cheeks but she smothered her cries into the pillow. Brian never heard a thing.

~()~

It wasn't even seven a.m. when she walked out of her apartment. Her hair was still damp from the shower and she'd thrown on her coat and wrapped a scarf around her neck. Her keys jingled in her pocket as she walked through the corridor to the elevator, pressed the down button and waited for the doors to open. She didn't feel like she'd slept even though the missing hours between walking into the bedroom last night and waking up in yesterday's clothes this morning confirmed she had indeed been to sleep.

Olivia stepped into the elevator and watched the doors close. Mere seconds later she walked out the apartment building and into the crisp New York morning air. She fumbled with her keys as she pulled them from her pocket and unlocked the car. She climbed behind the wheel, turned the engine on and drove off into the start of morning rush hour traffic.

She had only been to Amanda's apartment a handful of times, the last time being when she shot and killed her sister's boyfriend. Somehow she'd found her way there without thinking that time and today was no different. She effortlessly cut her way through the slow moving traffic and twenty five minutes later she pulled up in an empty parking spot outside of Amanda's building. A quick glance up to the window told her Amanda was awake. The lights were on.

Olivia got out of the car and pushed the door to the building open. Amanda's place only had stairs and she lived on the third floor. She began her climb and five minutes later she reached Amanda's door. He hesitated, remembering the text message the blonde had sent the previous night. She wasn't sure if doing this was right or not. Her hand hovered in the air for a few precious moment before her knuckled rapped against the wood.

She heard footprints on the other side and her heart beat in her throat. She recognised the sound of a chain being moved and a lock being turned. Then the door opened and she looked up into Amanda's blue eyes.

She looked better than she had done all week. The circles under her eyes appeared to have faded and her eyes were no longer bloodshot. Her hair was wet and she was clad in a pair of black jeans and a comfortable plaid button down shirt. But something in her face changed when she laid eyes on Olivia and the older woman didn't miss the way Amanda's grip on the door suddenly tightened.

"Hi," Olivia said and chewed her lip. "I got your message."

"Liv…" Amanda's voice faltered and she nervously looked around. "About last night…"

"Can we talk?" Olivia interjected and she gave the younger woman a knowing, hard look. She picked her finger nails, a sign that her nerves were showing even though she tried to keep her cool. Her heart thumped in her chest so loud she thought Amanda could hear it. "About last night?"

"Now isn't really a good time. I mean, we can talk but…" Amanda balanced from one foot onto the other. She couldn't take her eyes off Olivia. She remembered last night. She hadn't expected the brunette to be standing outside her door this morning. Seeing her took her breath away. "Liv, I… I don't know what to say and…"

"Can I come in?" Olivia asked, arching an eyebrow slightly. "It's easier than talking out here."

Amanda quietly stepped aside and opened the door further, allowing the older woman to come into her apartment. She caught a waft of Olivia's perfume as she filed past her and briefly rested her head against the door after she closed it. When she turned around she found Olivia standing in the middle of her living room. The first rays of morning sunlight reflected in her hair.

"I've been thinking," Olivia began. "About last night…" She swallowed. "I know I shouldn't have followed you but if I had known sooner that you were gambling again."

"I'm not gambling!" Amanda insisted.

"I found you in a casino, Amanda. Something tells me you weren't there to just be social."

Amanda heaved a sigh. "I meant what I said."

"About?"

"About not being able to tell you."

"Why?" Olivia wanted to know. "Why can't you tell me?"

"Because I told her not to."

Olivia spun around at the sound of the woman's voice and her eyes widened when she saw a familiar face appear from Amanda's bedroom. Clad in a simple black jacket over a white blouse and matching black slacks, Alexandra Eames looked professional as well as hard. The way the smaller woman's eyes narrowed told Olivia that she wasn't pleased to see the SUV detective here.

"You?" Olivia asked. "What have you got to do with any of this?"

"This isn't something that concerns you, Olivia," Eames answered. "You should have listened to Amanda when she told you to stay out of this."

"Is she working for you now?" Olivia wanted to know. "Have you got one of my detectives working an operation for you without my input?" She put the emphasis on the word 'my' and the defensiveness and jealously laced her words so strongly that it was undeniable. "Who signed off on this?"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have the clearance to do what needs to be done."

"Including using one of my guys as your decoy?"

"The world isn't black and white, Olivia," Eames answered calmly. "You of all people should know that."

Olivia looked back at Amanda. The younger woman looked defeated and hung her head. "How long has this been going on?" she asked sharply. Suddenly she realised that she had yelled at Amanda the previous night for no reason. "How long has she been using you for one of her own operations? Amanda, why didn't you come to me? I could have helped you!"

"We don't need your help, Sargent Benson," Eames quipped. "I didn't intend for you to become part of this but since you walked in on our sting last night I saw no other option then to fill you in." She tilted her head a little. "Detective Rollins works for me until further notice."

"The hell she is!" Olivia sneered. She instinctively moved in front of Amanda before putting a hand on her arm. "You can't just take my detectives without my say so."

"I can and I will."

"On whose orders?"

"Higher up the chain of command," Eames replied. "Olivia, I know this is difficult but you have to understand that I have no other choice. Detective Rollins is perfect for the job."

"So that's it?" Olivia sighed. "You just walk in and take whatever you need?"

Eames started for the door and opened it. She turned around before leaving. "I do what needs to be done." Her eyes briefly found Olivia's. Once they had shared a level of mutual understanding but now they didn't see eye to eye. "I suggest you do the same."

She left, closing the door behind her. The two women were now alone in the apartment and Olivia slowly turned around to look at Amanda. The blonde had walked across to the window and climbed into the window sill.

"You could have told me," Olivia said quietly. "You didn't have to lie to me."

"I did. I had to lie." Amanda shook her head. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"When you said you wanted to talk…"

"I wanted to tell you but then Alex showed up and she said I couldn't. She saw you there. She knew you'd come back. She said you're like a pit bull. You don't let go."

At any other time it would have been a compliment but now it wasn't. Olivia fumbled with her hands. She'd hoped to talk about something else but she knew she wouldn't be able to. "So last night…"

"Last night was a sting operation. When you walked in I knew the whole thing would blow up if I didn't…" Amanda didn't make eye contact and continued to stare out over the street below. "I'm sorry about the kiss. I had to make them think that you were like my girlfriend or something." She couldn't bring herself to look at Olivia. "I'm sorry."

Olivia turned her head away as she started for the door. She didn't look back.

"Yeah, me too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

When she walked into the squad room it was almost empty. She walked straight across the room to her office, slammed the door and shut the blinds. The windows and walls vibrated as the door fell into its lock and Olivia clenched her fists, her nails digging into the palms of her hands. Anger pulsated through her veins and her head was throbbing. It was as if a dam had been broken inside her head.

A raw but somewhat smothered sob escaped her as she swiped the paperwork, several pens, a framed photo of her mother and other pieces of junk of her desk. They landed on the floor with a bang but it didn't do anything to relief the stress and pain she felt. The anger slowly consumed her, swallowing her up into a deep, dark hole of nothingness.

Furiously she smacked her fist against the desk. The pain briefly numbed the anger and left her hand aching. Olivia's chest heaved as her lungs expanded. It was hard to breathe. Her eyes had darkened to the colour of the midnight sky and a few drops of blood trickled from a cut on her knuckles across her wrist before landing on the floor.

Slowly she sank down to the floor and fell down to the messed up papers and the broken glass of the shattered photo frame. The tears streamed down her face relentlessly. She felt like someone had poured battery acid into her veins and she was slowly burning up from the inside out. Something had snapped, had been broken, and even in this fragile moment Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to undo it. She couldn't fix what had been destroyed.

Minutes passed before she got up. She gathered the paperwork that had spread across the floor, picked up the broken glass and threw it in the trash and put the photo of her mom in her drawer. She then sat down behind her desk, reached for her phone and took a deep breath.

"Hi, this is Sargent Olivia Benson from the 16th. Is the Commissioner in yet?" She paused as she pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. In her chest her racing heart slowly settled down. "Can you put me through, please?"

She was put on hold and heaved a sigh.

"Sargent Benson," a male voice suddenly said on the other side of the line.

"Good morning, Commissioner. You're in early today." Olivia had long ago learnt that politics were important even if she didn't like it. "I need to borrow a moment of your time, sir."

"Very well, Sargent," the Commissioner answered. "What can I do for you?"

"I've got a problem." Olivia's voice was hollow.

"Really?" If he knew then he did well to try and fool her he didn't. "What appears to be the issue?"

"Alexandra Eames."

~()~

She didn't open the blinds in her office until it was almost lunchtime. Nobody knocked her door. Nobody rang her phone. When she walked across her office and opened the blinds she noticed all the desks were occupied besides one. Amanda's desk was empty. The anger she had felt earlier that morning rose back up in her stomach and Olivia turned away from the window and opened the door.

Several heads snapped up and she briefly met Nick's gaze. She could tell he knew. He had only been her partner for a couple of years but he had learnt to occasionally read behind her mask. Right now he held her gaze for just a moment longer, as if to confirm the thoughts in his head, and then he looked away.

"Anyone seen Rollins?" Olivia asked, fixing her gaze on Fin. "Where's your partner?"

"Don't know," he answered. "Tried calling her but she ain't answering her phone." He stood up. "Want me to go check her place, Sarg?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Step inside, Fin?"

He followed her into her office and she beckoned him to close the door. She felt his eyes burn into her back and she pushed her hands into the pockets of her slacks. She couldn't bring herself to look at him as she questioned him. "Have you noticed anything different about your partner lately?"

"Something you wanna tell me?" Fin asked. He didn't take his eyes off Olivia.

"I saw Rollins this morning," Olivia answered and she slowly turned around. "I know something's wrong, Fin. If there's anything you know then I'd appreciate it if you told me outright. I know Amanda's your partner but if she's putting herself or the rest of this squad at risk…"

Fin sighed. "She's been tired," he answered. "Working late, leaving after everybody else. Sometimes I wondered…" His eyes found Olivia's. "She's gambling again, isn't she?"

"Fin…"

He shook his head. "I knew it. I knew something was up but she kept telling me everything was fine."

"It isn't what you think."

"What?"

"She's working with Alexandra Eames," Olivia explained and she watched as surprise spread across Fin's face. "She's part of an undercover operation. They used her without our permission." She swallowed hard. The memory was raw and painful. "I found out last night."

"They didn't tell you?!" Fin asked, arching an eyebrow in surprise.

Olivia shook her head. "Apparently it's okay to use an SVU for detective for an undercover operation without their Sargent's permission." She looked back at the paperwork on her desk. "I spoke to the Commissioner this morning. He knew. And he informed me that the operation was called off." She sank down into her chair. "But that doesn't explain why I found Eames at Amanda's apartment this morning. It seemed to me that it isn't over at all."

"What you wanna do?" Fin wanted to know. "She's not here. You think she's with Eames?"

"I don't know. She might be. Or maybe she just didn't feel like turning up today." Olivia knew that last suggestion was ridiculous. She and Amanda had more in common than she first thought. They lived for their jobs. Amanda wouldn't just not show up for work.

"Want me to drop you at her place?" Fin asked.

Olivia gave in. She'd only been there hours earlier but things were different now. She sighed and nodded. "Yes, thank you."

~()~

Fin waited for her outside in the car as she made her way up the flights of stairs to Amanda apartment. The sound of her boots echoed off the walls as she walked through the corridor and reached the door. She listened but didn't hear anything. Not the sound of a television playing ion the background or music from a radio. She heaved a sigh and knocked.

There was no answer.

She knocked again, a little louder this time. "Amanda? Hey Amanda, it's Liv! You home?!"

She looked up when she heard footsteps coming around the corner and a man carrying a set of keys and a clipboard appeared. His eyes narrowed when he saw Olivia standing outside Amanda's door but she flashed the NYPD badge attached to her belt and he relaxed.

"You the landlord?" she wanted to know and he nodded.

"Yep. Just on my way to fix a leaking tap down the hall."

Olivia pointed at Amanda's locked door. "You got keys to this place?"

"Yeah." He seemed a little bit more hesitant now and gave Olivia the once over, his eyes briefly lingering on the badge on her belt. "Why would I let you in?"

"Because I'm NYPD and my friend didn't show up for work this morning." Olivia fixed him with a piercing stare and he seemed to crumble before her eyes. "For all I know, she could be lying dead in there. You got the key or not?"

"Yes, yes, hang on. No need to get snappy."

He fumbled with the set of keys in his hand until he found the one that matched the number on Amanda's door. He stuck it in the lock, turned it and then stepped aside to allow Olivia to open it. She pushed against the door, her fingers grazing along the gun on her hip.

Silence greeted her. The apartment was empty.

Olivia let her eyes wander around. There were a couple of dirty plates and cups in the sink and an empty carton of orange juice had been left on the side. The living room looked clean and tidy other than a jacket thrown over the back of an arm chair. The door the bathroom was ajar but it was empty too. Olivia walked across the apartment to the bedroom and opened the door.

The bed was neatly made uo and a laundry basket full of clean and folded laundry stood at the end of the bed. The curtains were open but the window was closed. Her gaze lingered a few moments on the bed and imagined Amanda sitting there first thing in the morning, her eyes still full of sleep. The image hurt and she turned away, disappointment and a sense of fear settling in her chest.

She walked back into the living room and out of the apartment, instructing the landlord to lock the door. "Did you see her leave this morning?" she asked.

"The cop?" he asked and she nodded. "Yeah, I saw her."

"Do you know what time it was?"

"Just before eight. I remember thinking she was a little later than usual, you know. But I guess she must have had some fun last night."

"Fun?" Olivia arched an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"She left with another woman. Small, petite. Dark blonde hair." He shrugged. "I didn't think she'd like that sort of girl, you know." He glanced at Olivia. "You're more her type. I've seen plenty of brunettes leave this building in the morning; sometimes I've seen them come in with her too. Usually Friday or Saturday nights but sometimes in the week too. There's a couple she brings more than once." He slipped the keys back in his pocket and noticed the astounded look etched across Olivia's face. "I don't judge. My brother's gay."

Olivia let the unexpected disclosure of Amanda's sexuality sink in. She took her phone and scrolled through one of the apps that allowed her to search through NYPD personnel, both past and present. She stopped when she found a familiar image and showed it to the landlord. "Is this the woman you saw her with?"

He squinted as he checked out the photo. "That's the one. Her hair's a little longer now though but it's the same woman."

"Have you ever seen her here before?" Olivia clenched and relaxed her fists.

"No, now that you mentioned it, I don't think I have." He furrowed his brow. "I mean, I don't make a habit out of spying on my tenants but I think I'd remember seeing her. She looked like a cop. Is she a cop too?"

Olivia took one of her cards and handed it to him. "Call me if you see either of these two women, ok?"

She turned around and walked away. With every step the anger grew and by the time she reached the car she was livid. She slammed the passenger door and smacked her fist against the dashboard in frustration. "Shit."

"You ok?" Fin inquired though one look at Olivia's face told him she wasn't.

"Landlord says she left this morning with Eames." She swallowed hard in an attempt to rid herself of the bile rising in the back of her throat. Jealousy was a horrible thing. "He gave me the impression they're seeing each other." She shot Fin a sideways glance but he didn't blink. "Did you know Amanda's gay?"

"I had a pretty good idea," he answered and kept his eyes fixed on Olivia. The brunette detective looked tired and frustrated. "You know, some of the things she said. Never really saw her with any boyfriend other than that Nate dickhead she hung out with. What's really going on here, Liv?"

"I just want to know where she is and that she's safe," Olivia answered. "Why would she go off with Eames?"

That question referred both to the undercover operation as well as the relationship the landlord had implied. Suddenly she wondered about seeing Eames in Amanda's apartment that morning. It had been early and Eames appeared from the bedroom. There had to have been a reason she was there and the more she thought about it, the more she believed it had nothing to do with the case.

"I can't imagine Amanda seeing anyone like Eames," Fin said. It sounded as if was trying to reassure her and Olivia looked at him, puzzled. "Listen, Liv, I don't intend to play Dr Phill here but a blind man can see this ain't just about Amanda working undercover without telling you. What's really going on here?"

"I don't know," Olivia sighed. She stared out of the window. "I don't know, Fin. I just want to find her, make sure everything's ok."

"And that's all there is?"

"Yes," she said, knowing full well she was lying to him and to herself. "That's all there is."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

She couldn't concentrate. Every time she tried focusing on her work, Amanda flooded back into her mind. Dozens of questions were swirling around in Olivia Benson's head and she had no idea where to even start to try and answer them. She was frustrated, angry and hurt and there was nothing she could do with those emotions other than direct them at the unsuspecting people in her squad and she slammed the door in frustration after yelling at yet another detective who hadn't done anything wrong.

She had caught a glimpse of Fin just before shutting the door and she could tell he was worried. He was also the kind of guy who wouldn't come up and tell her until he knew she was about to burst. She hoped he wouldn't come in because she didn't know what she was going to say. The only thing she wanted was to get the hell out of this place.

She'd tried calling Amanda's phone several times but it went straight to voicemail. She left several messages, each one slightly more desperate and a little angrier than the one before. She tried calling Alexandra Eames but the number was disconnected and the sound of the automated message almost made her throw her own phone against the wall.

Heaving a frustrated sigh Olivia picked up her bag, grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and stepped out of the office. It wasn't even five o'clock yet but she couldn't stay here any longer. She felt several sets of eyes burn into her back as she stalked across the squad room to the door. She didn't turn around to say goodnight, choosing the silence instead. When she reached the elevator she slammed her fist against the button.

"Hey, you ok?"

She turned around to find Nick standing behind her. Worry was etched across his face.

"Yeah," she lied, gritting her teeth as the words rolled off her tongue. "I'm just… I've got a headache and I would really like to go home."

Nick looked at her. Olivia Benson never went home with a headache. This was a woman who had tried coming into work when she was crippled with swine flu. He leant against the elevator door as she stepped inside.

"This got anything to do with Rollins?"

Olivia ran her hand through her hair and tried not to roll her eyes. "Somewhat, yes," she answered. Her voice echoed the emotions she tried to hide. "I can't have a rogue detective on this squad, Nick. I gotta find out what's got into her and figure out what's going on."

He looked at her in that way he always did. She could tell he didn't agree with her. "You gonna bring her back?"

"You think I should throw her out?" It came out sharper than she had intended. She knew Nick and Amanda had their differences and recently they seemed to argue more than that they worked together. She was still mad that he had interfered with her personal life by going undercover in a GA meeting and he was frustrated that she had refused to see things his way. Sometimes they both reminded her of stubborn children.

"You said it yourself. You can't have a rogue detective on your squad."

"If I threw out every detective that has ever bent the rules I wouldn't have a squad left," Olivia reminded him and his face fell a little. "What I want is to find out what's going on. Amanda deserves the chance to at least explain to me what's caused all of this."

"You think she's gambling again?"

"No." It was about the only thing she was sure of right now. "I know she isn't."

Nick didn't say anything else and stepped away from the elevator door, allowing it to slowly close. Once he had disappeared from her view Olivia released her breath and rested her forehead against the wall. Her head felt like it was about to explode and she seemed to be falling deeper into this trap of restlessness and emotions.

She left the precinct building, caught the subway home and walked the remaining three blocks to her apartment complex with her hands in her pockets and her eyes fixed on the sidewalk. When she eventually stuck the key in the lock she realised she wasn't alone. Music came from the living room and her heart sank. Facing Brian wasn't what she wanted right now but it was already too late. He had heard the key turn and was on his way to the door to let her in.

"Hey babe," he said when she stepped inside. He leaned in to kiss her but she turned her head so that his lips landed somewhere near her hair. "You're home early."

"Bad day," she groaned as she shrugged herself out of her jacket, threw it on the couch and crossed the living room to turn down the stereo. Brian loved the Eagles and she didn't mind them herself but right now she just wanted peace and quiet.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked.

"Not really," she answered and sank down in the arm chair. She didn't look at him. She couldn't.

"Liv, what's going on? You've been off with me for a couple of days now. Is something bothering you?"

She tried really hard not to jump down his throat but she couldn't cope with his questions right now. "Nothing's wrong, Brian," she insisted. "I'm just having a tough time at work and I am fed up with everyone constantly asking me if things are allright!"

He seemed taken aback by her sudden outburst but she couldn't find it inside herself to apologise. Why did he have to be home at this time anyway?

"Why aren't you at work?" she asked, hoping she didn't sound like she resented him being here.

"Tucker wants me to do the nightshift tonight. Lord only knows why."

"So you won't be home tonight?"

"Sorry, babe."

"Is Tucker ever going to let you work normal hours or is he going to continue using you for whatever filthy scheme he's got planned next?" Olivia leaned back in the chair and her eyes fell shut. "You can't let him walk over you like that, Brian."

"I don't have a choice, Liv. Tucker got me my badge back. Thanks to him I am no longer stuck in some dump in the Bronx."

She didn't get a chance to answer. A soft knock on the door interrupted her just as she was about to speak and she sighed. She pulled her legs up and tried to hide herself in the arm chair as best as she could while Brian walked to the door and answered it.

"Liv?" he called after less than a minute and her eyes snapped open.

"Yeah?"

"It's for you."

She reluctantly stood up and walked back to the door. When Brian stepped aside her breath choked in the back of her throat. Amanda stood outside, her hands pushed clumsily into the pockets of her jeans. A sheepish smile spread across her face when her blue eyes found Olivia's brown and she chewed her bottom lip.

"Can we talk?" she asked nervously.

"Want me to go?" Brian asked but Olivia shook her head.

"No," she answered. "We'll talk outside."

She closed the door behind her without looking at Brian. She never took her eyes off Amanda. The blonde took a couple of steps backwards but Olivia took her arm and led her down the corridor, away from the apartment. When she let go Amanda's eyes snapped back up at her and for a few endless seconds they stood staring at each other, the world around them fading into a distant blur.

"Where have you been?" Olivia wanted to know. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you." The words were laced with sadness. "Olivia, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Olivia echoed, a hint of disdain in her voice. "Amanda, do you have any idea what you've done?!"

Amanda averted her eyes and stared down at the floor. "I screwed up."

"You've done more than just screw up." Olivia unexpectedly let her fingers slip underneath Amanda's chin and forced the blonde to look up at her. It was a gentle touch but it allowed Amanda to see the pain in Olivia's eyes. "You lied to me!"

"I had no choice!" Amanda defended herself. "Liv, I couldn't have things any differently even if I wanted to. This is above my head, above yours." She ran her hands through her hair and desperately looked around. "I wish I could change things but I can't."

Olivia looked at Amanda. She ached inside. She didn't know what hurt more. Amanda lying to her and betraying her or the knowledge she was in some kind of relationship with Alexandra Eames.

"I thought you trusted me."

Slowly Amanda looked up. "I learnt a long time ago not to trust anyone." The harshness in her eyes faded and Olivia caught a glimpse of the brokenness Amanda had been hiding. "Not even you."

"Then trust me!" Olivia pleaded and she took Amanda's hand. She came closer, narrowing the distance between to just a few inches. She could feel the other woman's body heat radiate against her own. "Even if you don't trust yourself, please… trust me."

Amanda looked at Olivia's hand holding hers. It seemed to fit perfectly, their fingers entwined together. Something so damn simple could feel so right. "I can't."

"Whatever it is you've gotten yourself into, I can help get you out," Olivia continued. "Whatever operation Eames has got you working, you don't have to do it anymore. You're mine, Amanda. You belong to my squad and I decide what happens to my detectives." Intense brown eyes held Amanda's gaze. "She doesn't get to shove you around, in whatever way or form."

Amanda's eyes narrowed. "This isn't just about this case, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"This." Amanda pointed at their linked hands. "We both know that." She shrugged, the faint hint of a smile breaking through on her face. "I think we always have."

"Amanda…"

"You don't have to say anything, Liv."

"I want to." Olivia took another step closer to Amanda and let a strand of blonde hair slide through her fingers. Her fingertips then grazed across Amanda's cheek and her own breath hitched. Their gazes locked and the words she had wanted to speak out loud died on the tip of her tongue. "I wish I knew what to say."

Amanda rose to the tip of her toes and leaned in. She almost brushed her lips against Olivia's, never breaking the intense eye contact between them. "I know," she whispered. "Why do we do this to ourselves, Liv?"

"I don't know," Olivia admitted. "But we can change it."

"Can we?"

Olivia pressed her lips against Amanda's and kissed her. She tasted of coffee and afternoon rain and her eyes fluttered shut as she snaked her arms around the blonde's waist and pulled her closer. When she felt Amanda's fingers thread her hair she moaned softly into the kiss and she grabbed an even firmer hold of the younger woman when Amanda pressed her with her back against the wall.

"We shouldn't do this," she uttered when the kiss was briefly broken apart by their need for oxygen. She shivered when she felt Olivia's warm fingers ghost across the bottom of her spine. The sensation of the older woman's skin against her own flesh was something she couldn't put into words. Amanda rested her forehead against Olivia's, securely wrapped up in the other woman's arms. "This is a bad idea."

"Let me help you," Olivia said softly. She placed butterfly kisses across Amanda's jawline. Something had fallen in place. She didn't know what it was but it was as if somehow two broken pieces had become one. "You don't need to do this alone."

"Meet me tonight at this place in SoHo." Amanda nuzzled her face into Olivia's neck and inhaled the Sargent's scent as she put a business card into Olivia's hand. "Ten o'clock. I'll be there." She left a kiss just below Olivia's ear. "We'll talk."

She stepped away from Olivia and immediately felt lost without the brunette's arms around her. Sadness flickered in her eyes as she started down the stairs and turned around when she reached the last step to find Olivia standing at the top, looking down at her. They looked at each other for a moment before Amanda turned away and disappeared from sight.

Olivia felt her heart ache in her chest and she sank down on the stairs as the tears welled up in her eyes. Without warning she cried.


	7. Chapter 7

**Note:** After last night's episode I actually got to see what some parts of my fanfic would look like if they filmed it... Minus the part where Olivia talks to Amanda in her office, although that scene and the one in the bar did spark this whole chapter. I hope you guys will enjoy this.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Brian didn't ask what Amanda wanted to talk about and Olivia didn't tell. When she closed the apartment door behind her and walked into the living room she found him watching TV. He didn't look up as she entered the room and she heaved a sigh. The burden of the weight on her shoulders almost seemed impossible to carry and the despair coiled deep in her stomach.

"Do you ever think about the future?"

Her question made him look up and she met his eyes. "About what our life would be a year from now? Five years, ten?"

"What do you mean?" He seemed surprised.

"Where do you think we'll be?"

There was a hint of despair in her voice. Despair she knew he wouldn't understand. He hadn't been the one standing in that hallway just know, It hadn't been his lips that found Amanda's. It had not been Brian who watched someone walk away, knowing she wanted to do nothing more than run after her and make sure they'd see this thing through till morning.

"Liv, is everything ok?"

She hated him for asking that question. He knew what she did for a living. He knew the things she saw on a daily basis. Things were never going to be ok; they were never going to be right.

She turned away from him and paced the room until she reached the window. The street outside was empty. She had half hoped to see Amanda standing outside. Olivia clenched and then flexed her fingers and bit back the bitter tears that were now burning behind her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to face him, to look him in the eye, because she knew she would see the hurt and the betrayal. Even without words she knew he would know.

"Do you have second thoughts?" Brian voiced her feelings into a simple sentence. "Is that what this is, Olivia? Are you wondering if this, us, is the right thing to do?"

She wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to protect herself from the pain she knew would come. "Yes," she answered. Her voice trembled and then it broke. Slowly she lifted up her face to meet his eyes. "Yes, I do."

He looked at her as he ran his hands over his face. From the look in his eyes she could tell he hadn't expected the words she had just said. She wanted to change it, make it better, but she couldn't. There was no other way out of this than to face what she should have faced a long time ago; he had been the person to fill a void so big she knew deep down it could never be filled. It wasn't the void left behind by Elliot. It had always been there, empty and cold. She had wanted him to be the one to change that; she'd reached a point in her life where she was ready to believe her own lie. But it had to end before it was too late.

"How long errr… how long have you been feeling like this?" he asked softly.

She swallowed. The lump in her throat was big and dint move. "A while."

"A while?" he echoed. "How long is a while? Days, weeks?" His eyes widened. "Months?!"

"Brian, please," she pleaded. "Don't do this. Not now."

"Not now? You just told me you're not sure about our relationship and you're telling me I can't ask you how long you've been feeling this way?"

Olivia heaved a sigh and ran her hands through her hair. Her heart raced in her chest and she felt the adrenaline pump through her veins. The desire to flee, to run away, took over. "You do," she muttered. "You have the right to ask but please, not tonight. There's a lot going on and I just… I can't do it, ok? I can't do it."

She turned away from him and without waiting for him to say something else she grabbed her keys and her jacket and stormed out of the door. She heard his rushed footsteps behind her and he called her name from the top of the stairs but she didn't look back, even as his voice echoed through the apartment block staircase. She didn't know where she was going but she knew she couldn't stay here.

Olivia stepped out into the cool evening air and walked around the back of the building to get to her car. She climbed behind the wheel, started the engine and left the parking lot without looking back. Her knuckles turned white as she clutched the steering wheel and she took a few deep breaths to try and get her heart rate back under control. She had a blinding headache and her body screamed for sleep.

She drove aimlessly around the streets of the city without a sense of direction and without knowing or realising where she was going. When the precinct building loomed up in front of her she slammed on the brakes and the car came to an unexpected stop. There were some lights on behind the windows but the building was mostly dark. Any other night she would have gone inside. There was paperwork on her desk. There was always paperwork on her desk these days. There were things she needed to do but for the first time in her life, she didn't want to be here.

Olivia put the car in reverse after checking the address on the card Amanda had given her. She would be too early for their meeting if she drove to SoHo now but she had nowhere else to go. She groaned to herself as she joined the flow of traffic and headed into the direction of the bar where Amanda had said she would be waiting for her.

It took her a while but she found a parking spot across the street and switched off the car's engine and its headlights. Party goers and other revellers were flocking the streets, their laughter and loud voices a clear indication they were planning on having a good night in one of the bars along the street. Olivia didn't recognise any of them. She had never been here before. The bar at the end of the road was a lesbian bar, or so the sign outside said. The next two were sports bars, the building next to that a club where the dance music blasted out of the speakers and the one at the end was the one Amanda said she'd meet; a dingy and old looking Irish pub.

Olivia leant back into the driver's seat, never taking her eyes off the scene outside. She tried to imagine Amanda walking along this street, looking for her. She didn't know what the blonde would tell her tonight but she had been a detective long enough to trust her intuition and it told her that something was wrong. Amanda wouldn't be doing the things she had done if she didn't have a damn good reason.

For a long time Olivia didn't understand why Cragen had hired a detective with a known gambling problem or why he had chosen to let Amanda keep her shield after her indiscretion. But she also knew Cragen had fought his own battles with addiction and the more time she spent with Amanda, the more she began to understand. She was good at her job and behind the hard mask lay a kind and warm personality. Amanda didn't like to show that softer, kinder side of herself too often and Olivia knew why; it allowed every single one of them to get hurt and damaged by the horrors they saw every day and it would slowly tear them apart.

Somewhere in between all of that, between all the troubles they had faced as a team and the cases they had solved, she had grown fond of Amanda. She had seen her, really seen her, in ways others hadn't and it had resulted into this; the confusion she felt now. She had never felt like this about another woman before and until Amanda, Olivia wouldn't have thought she ever could feel this kind of thing for a woman. But she did and there was nothing she could do to change that now.

Minutes slowly faded into hours and at ten to ten Olivia got out of the car. She was cold and her body ached from having sat in the same position for too long. She crossed the street and stepped into the pub. It was warm inside and her muscles instantly relaxed.

She let her eyes wander around. The place was half full. A few bar stools were occupied and a handful of tables were too. She chose a table in the corner, shrouded by shadows, and signalled the girl behind the bar for a beer. Olivia slipped into her seat and gave the waitress a couple of bills when she brought the bottle to her table. Just as she picked it up and took a large swirl from the bitter tasting liquid the door opened again and Amanda walked in.

She immediately found Olivia sitting in the corner and walked across the pub. When she sat down she reached across the table and covered Olivia's hand with her own. Her fingers were warm as they drew meaningless shapes along Olivia's wrist.

"Hey," she said softly. She didn't make eye contact.

Olivia tried to smile. "Hi."

"I wasn't sure if you were goin' to come." This time Amanda peered up at the older woman through her eyelashes. "After what happened earlier, I mean."

"Amanda, you don't have to apologise," Olivia interjected. Her brown eyes lit up as she looked at Amanda's hand on top of her own. "You were right. I think we both know what happened." Slowly she looked back at the blonde sitting across the table. "How much trouble are you in?"

"What?"

"You wouldn't ask to meet in a dump like this if you didn't want to be sure nobody knows where you are," Olivia answered and she grabbed Amanda's hand before she could pull away. "Eames doesn't know you're talking to me, does she?"

"No, she doesn't," Amanda admitted and she nervously moved in her seat. "And it is best if she never finds out." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "There are lives at stake."

Olivia's heart sank. "What did she get you into?"

Amanda shook her head and sighed. "It was just meant to be simple," she began. "She wanted me to go undercover in this casino so I could identify the guys they were lookin' for. Big guys, you know. They're into weapons dealin', drugs, prostitution… Alex suspected some of them are also involved in home grown terrorism." Her eyes found Olivia's. "It was meant to be a simple sting."

"But it didn't turn out that way, did it?" Olivia guessed.

"Alex kept pushing me to go in deeper. Go further up the food chain, as she called it. She was no longer satisfied with the names I gave her. She wanted more. After a while she even said she wanted to take the whole organisation down herself but we soon learnt that higher up the food chain, things change…"

"What do you mean?"

"People know people. Big people. People who can make other people go away. I found a link to a State Senator, Liv. He's so deep into this I'm surprised he doesn't stink of corruption every time he walks into his office. But it's guys like him that control stuff like this."

"So what does Eames want from you?" Olivia questioned. "What is she asking you to do?"

"Go to various casinos, play with the big guys, earn their trust. She wants me to join them, for as long as it takes."

"Join them? She wants you to infiltrate the group of people responsible for running this thing?"

Amanda nodded. "That's exactly what she wants."

"That's suicide. If any of them find out you're a cop, they'll kill me."

"Now do you understand why I had to do what I did the other night?" Amanda said softly and Olivia realised she meant the kiss outside the casino. "As far as those guys are concerned, Eames is my girlfriend. I had to make it seem like I was playin' her, that you weren't a cop but just someone else I was screwin'." Her cheeks flushed red at the choice of her words. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Olivia said softly. "You did nothing wrong." Her eyes darkened. "When was the last time you spoke to Eames?"

Amanda checked her watch. "An hour ago."

"Did you tell her where you went?"

"No."

"Good." Olivia stood up out of her chair. "Give me your phone."

"What?"

"Give me your phone!" Olivia repeated and Amanda reached into her pocket and handed Olivia the phone. The detective took it, put it down on the table and poured the remainder of her beer over the device.

"What are you doing?!" Amanda exclaimed and Olivia's eyes snapped up.

"Saving your life."

She grabbed the soaking wet phone of the table, slipped it in her pocket and took Amanda's arm. "Come on."

They left the pub and Olivia pulled Amanda across the street to the car. She silently indicated she had to get into the passenger side and Amanda did what she asked. Olivia got behind the wheel and started the engine. She shot Amanda a sideways glance and took a deep breath.

"After tonight you can't contact Eames again, understood?"

"Liv, if I don't show up for tomorrow's gig then someone's going to get hurt."

"At least I'll know that someone isn't going to be you," Olivia bit back and she reversed the car. "Whatever you've been doing and whoever you're working for, it's over."

Amanda down into her lap instead as Olivia drove off into the direction of Manhattan. "Where are we going?"

"A safe house," Olivia replied. "I have a couple of contacts within the US Marshalls." She swallowed. "Until this thing is over, you're in Witness Protection."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Olivia drove to Queens. She knew the route well. She'd driven it more times than she cared to remember and as she cut herself a way through the late night traffic, she cast a glance at Amanda sitting beside her. The blonde stared down into her lap. She looked tired and broken. Whenever the streetlights lit up Amanda's face, Olivia could see the dark shadows around her eyes.

"When did this start?" she asked softly. "When did Eames ask you to work for her?"

"A few months ago, after Nate's trial," Amanda said softly. "I don't know how she found out but she knew about my gambling past. She called me one night, at home, and asked if we could meet for coffee the next day. I remembered her from our cases and I thought that maybe she was just tryin' to be nice, you know, after all the shit with the trial and stuff."

Olivia had to bite back her anger. Alexandra Eames had approached Amanda at a time where she was vulnerable and emotional and she had used those emotions to manipulate her into working for her. It wasn't the way a detective, or any police officer, was supposed to work. Olivia grabbed hold of the wheel even tighter and kept her eyes on the road.

"What did she say?"

"She knew about my undercover operations back in Atlanta, some of the stuff I'd done there." Amanda shrugged but when she spoke again there were tears constricting her voice. "She knew things had happened in the squad room during the trial. You know, Nick and all that." She peered at Olivia. "She even knew I'd snapped at you. She asked me if I'd consider takin' a break from SVU for a while. I told her I wasn't leavin' so she suggested I could work for her in the evenings."

The car slowed down as they drove down one of Queens' quiet suburban streets. Houses lined either side, with trees along the sidewalk and nicely kept green lawns. Lights were on behind most of the windows and cars were parked in driveways. This was the other side of New York. The kind where families lived, away from the big city with its sky scrapers and underground trains.

Olivia pulled the car into the driveway of one of the houses and switched off the engine. She turned to face Amanda and sighed. "I'm sorry this happened, Amanda."

"Yeah, me too," Amanda answered quietly. She peered up at Olivia through her eyelashes and felt her stomach do an unexpected double flip when she met the Sargent's eyes. "So what happens now?"

"This house is part of the Witness Protection Scheme run by the US Marshalls," Olivia explained. "I have a few contacts inside and I know this place is currently free. They don't mind us using it for the time being." She unbuckled her seatbelt. "Once you go inside, that's it. No more contact with Eames. You don't talk to anyone other than me, understood?"

Amanda nodded and the two women got out of the car. Olivia walked up to the front door, reached behind the porch light and found the key tucked away behind the wires. She used it to unlock the door and stepped into the dark house. Her fingers searched the wall for the light switch and she flicked it. A second later the hallway and kitchen bathed in a pool of yellow light.

Amanda closed the door behind her and followed Olivia inside. The sound of her boots against the wooden floor bounced off the walls and she clumsily pushed her hands into her pockets, unsure about what to do with herself.

To her right was a dining kitchen with white units and a wooden counter top. A simple wooden table and four chairs stood not too far from the window. The curtains were open but Olivia went to close them. When she walked back she opened the fridge and found it fully stocked. Her eyes then found Amanda's.

"They keep this place running in case of emergencies. Looks like someone only checked in here the other day."

"Liv?" Amanda's voice sounded weak. "I don't think I should be here."

The brunette turned around. "What do you mean?"

"Witness Protection. It's for people whose lives are really in danger. Witness in court cases, you know, stuff like that." She swallowed. "This wasn't meant for an SVU detective who screwed up and got in over her head. Someone else may actually need this place."

"You need this place," Olivia insisted. "You said that if you don't show up tonight, something bad will happen." She walked over to Amanda and took the blonde's hands into her own. "I'm not going to let that happen. This place is safe. Nobody knows you're here. Promise me you won't contact anyone other than me."

Amanda's eyes found Olivia's. "I promise."

Olivia smiled. "Ok." She leaned in and placed her lips against Amanda's forehead. "You should rest."

"Can you stay?" It was out there before she even realised and Amanda looked up, a pink blush creeping across her cheeks. Meeting Olivia's eyes she could tell the question had surprised the older woman. "At least for a little while?"

Olivia nodded. "Of course." She let a strand of Amanda's hair run through her fingers. A part of her didn't want to walk out of the door tonight and close it behind her. The longer she fingered Amanda's hair, the more the tension between them grew. Olivia became more and more aware of the heavy pounding of her heart. "I can stay."

Amanda averted her eyes. "Thank you."

"You really should get some rest though," Olivia insisted and she smiled. "Go grab a shower. I'll fix us some drinks."

Amanda didn't answer but made her way up the stairs anyway. When she reached the landing she found three bedrooms; one large master bedroom and two bedrooms, each with two single beds. The beds were neatly made and the walls painted in soft pastel shades. She heaved a sigh before making her way into the master bedroom. She opened the wardrobe and found a pile of towels. She took two before padding across the landing towards the bathroom. She turned when she reached the top of the stairs. She could hear Olivia's footsteps downstairs.

For a precious moment it seemed like reality; a normal kind of life where hearing the sound of a lover's footsteps was the most common and most familiar sound in the world. To see someone walking from room to room, not doing anything in particular at all, and know they would always be there. Something so simple and so beautiful as sharing a life with someone else, day in day out, felt like a dream. She'd never had it and considering the direction her life was heading in, Amanda doubted she ever would.

Amanda turned away from the stairs and stepped into the bathroom. There she stripped off and left her clothes on the floor. She switched the shower on and tentatively stepped under the hot flow of water. Once the warm comfort rained down on her she ti0tled her head back and let the drops of water mix with her tears.

Downstairs Olivia heard the shower being switched on and for a second she froze, two glasses of coke in her hand. When her body moved again she walked back into the living room and set the two glasses down on the table. She sank down on the couch, reached for the remote and switched on the TV. A few minutes later she'd found that Silence of the Lambs had only just started on one of the movie channels and she made herself comfortable, curling her legs up underneath her body.

Once she'd switched the shower off Amanda made her way back to the master bedroom. In the wardrobe she found a pair of grey sweatpants and a simple black sweater. She left the bedroom and slowly made her way down the stairs. She heard the sound of the television before reaching the bottom step and took a deep breath before walking into the living room.

"Hey," Olivia said when she saw the blonde. "Feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you," Amanda replied as she circled the coffee table and sat down next to Olivia on the couch. The sight of the brunette so casually relaxing in the living room stirred an unexplainable desire in her. A desire for closeness, a need to feel at home.

She picked up her glass and sipped from the cold drink. As the liquid trickled down her throat she became aware of Olivia looking at her. She slowly turned and met the detective's eyes. "Everythin' ok?"

Olivia chewed her bottom lip. "Your landlord said that he saw Eames leave your apartment the other morning. I saw her come out of your bedroom. It was early…" She looked down into her lap, unsure if she wanted to continue the sentence she had started.

Amanda shifted into a different position. "If you've got somethin' to say, Liv, just say it."

"Are you sleeping with her?"

"Liv…"

"Are you?!" There was a hint of despair in Olivia's voice.

"We had to let everyone believe that Alex wasn't a cop. I didn't know of any other way to do that." Amanda stood up and walked to the living room door. It overlooked the patio and a garden. "It didn't mean anythin'. It was simply part of my cover."

"Sleeping with another cop, just so you look believable?" Olivia stared at Amanda in shock. She'd done things when she was undercover that she wasn't proud of but this was a line she had never crossed. "How could you do that?"

"Do I look like I had any choice?!" Amanda spun around. Her eyes glistened with tears. "I did what I had to do to make this operation work, to protect myself and everybody else. Do you think I'm proud I let someone into my bed because of work? I didn't want this to happen, Liv, but it did. I don't think either one of us, me or Alex, realised the implications. It started off just…"

"Just…what?" Olivia had asked the question before realising she didn't want to know the answer.

"Innocent. A kiss. A hug. Pretendin' we were more than what we were. Then adrenaline took over one night and we crossed a line." A lonely tear trickled down Amanda's cheek. "After that, it just became an escape. A reason not to think or feel."

Olivia tried to ignore the pain in her heart. For weeks she had watched Amanda, wondered about her, without truly seeing the pain and torment the blonde felt inside. When she first saw Alexandra Eames in Amanda's apartment, she hadn't just been confronted by anger but also by jealousy. But right now it wasn't jealousy she felt. It was hurt, it was pain. Hurt and pain over what Amanda had gone through and how she had not been there to help her.

"Amanda…"

"What, you want to know if I actually have feelings for her or if I just fuck her because I feel like it?"

"Amanda, I'm sorry," Olivia said softly and she stood up. "I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I didn't know and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you." She reached out and wiped the tears from Amanda's cheek. "It's over now. I'm here." Brown eyes found blue. "And I'm not going anywhere."

She locked Amanda in an embrace and held the younger woman close, softly kissing the top of her head as Amanda's tired and worn out body rested against her own. She wasn't going to let her go. Not tonight, not any other night. Her fingers tenderly threaded Amanda's hair, brushing it aside Without really thinking she softly kissed the side of her neck. She felt Amanda relax into her arms.

"Come," she said softly and she took Amanda's hand. She gently led her towards the stairs.

Together they made their way up the stairs and Olivia led Amanda to the bedroom. The blonde hesitated in the doorway and nervous blue eyes found Olivia's. The older woman smiled.

"It's ok," she answered and stroked the back of Amanda's hand. "It's ok. We'll just sleep."

Amanda nervously stepped over the threshold and followed Olivia to the bed. The brunette waited until Amanda had climbed into bed and got comfortable before kicking off her shoes, removing her jeans and getting into bed in just her panties and her shirt. For a few seconds neither of them moved but then Amanda instinctively moved closer and rested her head on Olivia's chest. The older woman's arm snaked protectively around Amanda's back.

"What about Brian?" Amanda asked. Her voice was thick with sleep. "Will he miss you tonight?"

"No." Olivia said softly. "He's working graveyard. He won't notice."

Amanda didn't answer and when Olivia turned to look at her she noticed she was asleep. A smile crept across her face as she gently brushed a strand of hair out of Amanda's eyes before snuggling a little deeper into her pillow. She listened to the younger woman's breathing before slowly drifting off to sleep.


End file.
